My growing up was not a really happy one. I grew up in a not so friendly and peaceful family. I didn’t have the opportunity to relate and bond well with my own biological parents. They always had one issue or the other regarding their relationship and in the end it resulted to a life time separation. I have a sibling whom I’m yet to see and know. We were both separated from each other at a very tender age. My mom took me along with herself leaving my little sister with my dad. Peradventure, my kid sister was barely or at least six months of age then, when she was left with my dad. I was still a toddler and didn’t know much about what transpired between my parents which led to their separation.
It was awful and unfair to grow up in the midst of a couple who never had peace with each other. It was always one fight or the other between them. I can tell you that I felt unsecured in that kind of atmosphere and so was my sister. Such unhealthy atmosphere is not what every child wish to live. It could have been better for my parents to exercise little patience and work out their differences hence, helping them become a more peaceful couple again. But maybe they thought things were getting out of hand and beyond repair, so they couldn’t afford to be together any more.
At a point, my mom couldn’t bear the emotional trauma anymore as she always had to transfer her aggression on me. It was so sad to see her helpless most times. She could do anything to suppress her emotional depression but it felt so difficult for her to deal with it. One thing I always remember my mom for is hearing her saying she loves me so much despite her attitudes towards me. She always looked for a way to make me happy again. She was a good mom and I appreciate her for this. May her soul rest in peace.
At this point of my life and as a mom with two lovely children, I sometime hurt my children’s emotion whenever I’m sad. when things didn’t go well I’m pushed to transfer my aggression on my children which is unfair. I don’t mean to hurt them but it’s just that sometimes I can’t help it due to some unpleasant reasons that matters to me. Even though my reaction was bad doesn’t make me a bad mom. It’s just not intentional to pour out my anger on my children. But I don’t want to always see myself hurting my children for no apparent reason. I regret each time I overreact. I see that such attitude may violate my children in the near future and I would be held responsible for it. Fortunately, I’m not praying for that to happen. So what do I do and what exactly do I want my kids to remember me for now and when they grow up?
I try as much as possible to apologize to my children no matter how hard it seems. I can understand that every child has emotion and deserves to be told ‘I’m sorry whenever they are offended and so are mine. It’s not a big deal for me to say those two words because it makes things okay. Meaning my apology to them is what matters most to them. It works great as a remedy! Saying I’m sorry to them proves to them that my reaction wasn’t intentional. Sometimes, I try as much as possible to control my emotion by staying away from them a little while or distracting my mood with a favorite television program until I feel better. Sometimes, it’s not so easy to let go of the things that bothers me at a particular time until I’m satisfied with it. But I have come to realize that allowing my mind to harbor the things I should let go on time is not the best way to live a happy life as a mom.
Bonding with my children from time to time is an important part of my intentional lifestyle. I missed relating with my mom because she never gave me the opportunity to. I didn’t live with her throughout my growing up. At a particular stage of my life I had to be in custodian of her parents. That still didn’t make things 100% better for me. In my case, I chose to have a better relationship with my children. I wanted them to know me better, for who I am and not what I’m trying to be. I wanted to be real and not fake it. I wanted to be closer to them not just at heart but physically. I’m so surprise that the more I’m being myself the more my kids love me. I want to believe that they understand that I truly care for them and will always do irrespective of my imperfection.
Not every mom can sacrifice everything for their children apart from birthing them. There are moms who don’t care about nor have time for their children. This leaves me wondering if truly they are their real moms and why they act the way they do. I feel sorry for their children. I wouldn’t want to find myself in this situation. Beyond my apologies and relationship as mentioned above, I want to sacrifice for them. I’m not talking about leaving them behind in this world. I’m a very optimistic person. I like thinking positive and behaving it. So my sacrificing for them means even if I don’t have the resources to cater for them, I would do anything within my will to ensure they live happier and healthy. My sacrificing for them means giving them an opportunity to achieve their dreams. Also, my sacrificing for them means inconveniencing myself sometimes to respond to their emotional needs.
There are better ways to sacrifice for my children and I would love them to remember me for this now, and always.